Swimming pool.

(Editorial note: All conversations documented in this entry were had in Chinese. So when I put quotes around what was said by me or others, the quotation marks should be taken as ‘this is what I think was said’ versus ‘this is what was said’. The difference between the two is potentially broad and significant.

I took my 3 boys to the swimming pool today. That was my father’s day gift from my wife. We have gone before so I didn’t think it would be difficult to find our way into the pool. It’s only a 2 minute walk from our apartment so we got our stuff together and headed out.

I wasn’t feeling much like swimming, so I brought my Chinese notebook so I could study while the kids swam. We checked in at the front desk without too much difficulty, although the woman did confiscate our little inflatable ball. Not sure what the danger of a little beach ball is, but she was pretty convinced that ball would lead to no good so it was out.

We got into the locker room and changed. The kids had their mandatory swim caps and swim suits and little rubber shoes to wear out to the pool. I was thinking we were starting to understand the drill here in China and able to get around without much difficulty. (that’s foreshadowing if you’re not familiar with the literary tool)

When we went out to the pool area, the kids all jumped in and started swimming. I walked over to the little lounge chair to relax with my book. Before I could get there though, the lifeguard starts yelling at me. After a bit I realize he wants me to wear a swimsuit in the pool. I calmly explained to him that I would not be swimming. I was just going to sit right here and read my book. Then he really started getting mad, apparently I was being disrespectful for explaining my lack of desire to swim. So after shouting back and forth for awhile, I went to the front desk to find out if the lifeguard was nuts. They told me the same thing. If you’re going to read a book by the pool, you have to wear a swimming suit. I’m beginning to think these people are crazy. As a side note the lifeguards were not wearing swimsuits either. Just shorts and a t-shirt like me.

So I swallowed my pride went back to the apartment and put on a swim suit. I went back to the front desk and said ‘Am I ok now?’. I was a bit surprised by the answer. ‘No. You have to wear a swimsuit’. I’m like, ‘lady, I don’t know what planet you’re from (planet china turns out to be the correct answer), but I am wearing a swimsuit’. ‘No you’re not’ was her calm reply. ‘What does a swimsuit look like if this is not a swimsuit?’. She went behind the desk and pulled out this little speedo. She had this great look on her face like ‘you moron, everyone knows what a swimsuit looks like’. She had me stumped for a moment on this one. Then I told her that my 3 boys were already swimming in the pool with swimsuits like mine. I should at least be allowed to sit next to the pool in a swimsuit like I was wearing. She disagreed, but was willing to ask her manager.

Luckily for me, her manager saw the crazed look in my eyes and thought it would be better to have the gringo wearing some freakish shorts with a liner that he thinks is a bathing suit rather than have him lose it and just go walking into the pool area in his birthday suit (which I have to admit did cross my mind in that moment).
In the end they got the final laugh as they told me because I was now wearing a bathingsuit I would have to pay the pool fee to sit next to the pool and watch my kids. I consented.

After I get into the pool, I had a hard time not laughing. There were about 20 kids in the pool, all around 10-13 years old. They were running along the sides of the pool, pushing each other in, wrestling in the water, and just generally raising all sorts of kane. Hard not to ask some fundamental questions at this point. What type of shorts the guy sitting in the chair is wearing=mission critical confrontation. People splitting their heads open because they slipped while getting pushed off the edge of the pool=normal risk that every kid must accept. Huh.

In the end, everything worked out fine. Although on my way out with the boys I had to laugh as I realized they actually had a sign, in English, with all the rules regarding the pool. Turned out it wasn’t against the rules to run, push, and wrestle. As near as I could tell it was also not against the rules to wear shorts in the chairs. Luckily for everyone, it is illegal to enter the pool area if you are less than 4 months pregnant. Who knows what kind of mayhem might result if a 1 month pregnant woman entered the pool area. I do have to say I’m glad they ruled out pets, dysentery, and fungal skin conditions.

What planet AM I living on?